First day in my new world

Last night carried into the early morning.....I held my Bunny and cried and cried and cried until the tissues were used up, my chest was sore from gasping, and my eyes felt raw....even then I did not want to go to bed...but I had to go upstairs to get another box of tissue, and I had fur growing on my teeth. Bed was just down the hall and it called me at 4am.

I woke at 8 and laid in bed.  Sooty realised I was awake and wanted to be petted....usually she gets a quick tickle under the chin but today i was in no hurry to face the day.

I called the Animal Hospital to make arrangements for Stus remains.  As much as I adored Stu I have no desire to have his ashes, so everything was straightforward....but tearful.  Dr Munn and his staff have been taking care of Stu since I adopted him and (rightfully) considered his advanced years in a small way a testament to their care.  Dr .Munn has been ill this week but the girls came out to offer their condolences and to say goodbye to Stu. 

I carried on my day wearing dark glasses, and running errands.  When i found myself feeling a bit peckish I thought to head to St. Lawerence Market , because while I was there I could check the vegetable vendors for carrot tops for Stu...then remembered I didn't have to get carrot tops anymore....weird. Then again I had to drive by the Chinese Grocery store and I thought to pop in and get some of that really good BokChoy that Stu really likes....again I realized that I didn't have to get BokChoy anymore.  I need to paint my hall (from the mess the electrician has made replacing the wiring) so I spent a good part of the afternoon running from Rona to Lowes to Home Depot trying to match the existing paint color.....I thought to myself "I gotta get home and give Stus his meds". On the way home I realized that I had forgone breakfast and stopped for an all day Breakfast, spilled coffee on my shorts, duh, came home and immediately put them in a tub to soak.....with my Iphone still in the pocket....arrrrrrhhhh. My pictures of STU are on that phone.  Tomorrow I will see if the "genius"   can fix the phone....
walk past the Lazyboy, bend to seek my bunny and give him a snuggle...then remember that he is not there.
Because today was a beautiful sunny day I opted to tend to the flower beds instead of painting...hummm a dandelion, gotta keep that for Stu....not.  I have this big container that I planted parsley, for Stu....and a million times I walk by that Lazyboy and want to stop give Stu a little snuggle and kiss.
The world that I live in today is different in a hundred little ways from the world I lived in with a bunny in my life.....
Its gonna take some getting used to.

How to quench my tears?

I knew this day would come, everybody who has commented to me "Wow 10 years" "Wow 11 years" and "Wow 12 years" knew that this day would come.  I thought when this day came that I would be more accepting of the circle of life

I adopted Stu January 3, 2009.  He was the same age as Lily 10, I thought (rightly so) that they would make a beautiful bond. Tonight just after 9pm he left me for the rainbow bridge. 

I think, perhaps, if I relay this sad news, that while I type I will not cry....well I will not cry so hard.

This past week Stu was on what I have come to accept as "another hunger strike".  Stu will not eat for a day, I will freak out, make an appointment with Dr. Munn and then he will start eating again.  But truth be told each of these incidents have left him a little bit more drained.  Tuesday we went to the vet, got the usual diagnosis of GI stasis.  We were sent home with Critical Care until he started eating again, I already had Baytril for infection, and Metcam for pain, but got some Cicapride to get the GI tract moving. 

After a couple of rounds with Critical Care he gave in and started eating again. On Wednesday he ate almost all of his greens and more hay than he had in a long time.  There was still room for improvement but I was confident that he was on the mend. On Thursday I took him into the backyard.  Binky days were behind him but he was still pretty impressed with the fresh green grass.  This morning he seemed to be failing again, I gave him his meds and left for work.  At lunch time I came home to give him more meds and a belly rub.  He had not moved from where I had left him..and he was grinding his teeth, something that he has never done. It broke my heart to know that my bunny was in pain. 

I called the Animal Hospital and asked if I could get some additional pain meds...I asked for Tremadol cuz I had heard of other buns having it prescribed for pain.

I picked up the new meds after work and headed home and filled a syringe with Critical Care, another with water (laced with cranberry juice) Metcam, Tremadol, Cicipride, Baytril, and Ovol, determined to make my boy better.  He was so lethargic that he did not even struggle against the syringe, but he was too tired to swallow.  Many belly rubs finally got the first syringe of metcam fed.

I was realizing that he was reaching his end, and tried to get him to take the Tremadol.  I could inject it to his mouth but not make him swallow.  I knew that there was no way the line up of syringes were going to be used.  I just wanted him to take his pain meds and make him as comfortable as possible.

And so I stroked him and gave him kisses and let him know how loved he was, knowing that he was slipping away.  Instead of begging for Tremadol, I should have asked to send him to a painless sleep.

My head hurts, my chest hurts, my eyes hurt, and my nose is raw from crying.  I thought I was prepared for this enviable day but I was wrong, I am truly not ready for life without Stu.