Fighting the feeling of a curse

With the hope that posting about the series of bad luck would purge the curse I moved forward after my last post with the intent of moving upward and onward from the dark cloud that I have been living under for the past few weeks.

I was away from home on Saturday night but came home Sunday morning to find one of the backyard kitties, Sooty, and the local Cardinal all showing their own personal disapproval of the empty food dispenser.  After meeting their demands I carried on with my day which I intended to include going for a run and packing my gym bag for Monday.  The priority was to get on top of my yard work. Pull some weeds and fill my two new planters with Rosemary and Marigolds in the hope of protecting my mosquito bait hide.

The plans started to come off the rails when, while pulling the weeds threatening to choke the lavender I noticed the rear passenger tire of the car was flat flat flat.  I dialed CAA to put on the donut with the intention of going to Walmart to buy a new set of tires when I have been making a concentrated effort to stop abusing my credit card.  My distress turned to euphoria when the CAA guy told me that I had a nail in my tire that could be plugged.

But my euphoria would be short lived.  While pulling weeds I noticed one of the new kittens under the step of my back deck.  for a brief second I was thrilled that it was not running from me until I realised that it was not moving.  I don't mean to sound melodramatic but I have put allot of faith in the future of these kittens to restore my ability to appreciate what the world offers up on a daily basis.  This felt like a kick in the teeth.  The poor little creature was dead.  Last week was very hot here but this past week was actually unseasonably cool so it was not heat stroke, there was no sign of any sort of trauma on the kitten.  Absolutely without intent my mind went to the neighbors who want the cats and kittens gone, and I wondered if one of them has put out poison.  I hope it was grief and paranoia that took my mind to such a dark place so quickly.  But for the whole day I seen nothing of the other kittens and I worried about their well being.

Tire repaired I went to the garden centre to get my Marigolds and Rosemary and actually came home with more lavender.  My heart almost leaped out of my chest to find on my doorstep hungry kittens. 

I will do what I can to keep them safe, and if I am blessed they will change from backyard kittens to indoor kittens....if I am blessed.

Reviewing my Posts

I really don't write here as often as I thought I would, I am determined not to use this forum as a place to bitch about the people, or circumstances in life that piss me off...so...I really don't write here as often as I thought I would.

Lately I have been intending to find some time to write about Fathers day.  Its next weekend, I always found picking an appropriate Fathers Day card difficult.  But then I realized that I had already written a post about that.

I have written posts about missing my father, who I love with all of my heart in spite of our non traditional father/daughter relationship.  I have written posts about the heartbreak of loosing Mister, of having to realize that my determination and love were not enough to make his life meaningful.  I cant believe that on July 9 it will be three years he has been gone. I have written of Lily, the sweetest bunny ever who was the doting mate to Mister and then later to Stu. Who days after surgery to remove a stone had her little heart give out in the middle of the night June 22 two years ago.  That was the first year that I didn't have a father to call. I recall a friend attempting to console my fears for her health telling me that nursing her post op would distract me from my loneliness. Then of course it was March 31st last year that Cleo left me for the rainbow bridge, and last month Stu, both who had lived long and happy lives and yet left me heartbroken and devastated.

We know when we take a four footed creature into our lives that in all likelihood we will outlive them but that knowledge does not prepare you for the heartbreak when they leave. While blubbering on a shoulder over the loss of Stu, I jested that I should be an expert at dealing with loss my now. Which of course is not true. There are no experts. Yet for all the heartache and tears it is totally worth the love that I still feel in my heart when I think of Mister grunting for headrubs and pushing Lily out of the way, and of Lily giving kisses, and waiting for pets before giving her man a good bath to wash the human smell off of him, of Cleo in the backyard who would sit patiently basking in all of her blubbery glory in a sunpool until she seen me watching her, and then she would come running to me, waddle swaying looking for pets and kisses, and of Stu who was as different from Mister as two boy buns can be.  He was so polite and well mannered as much as he enjoyed being petted and being fed, he would never never rush to food bowl before it was set down....the only exception being crasins, which would make him positively quiver.

I will continue to love Sooty, she has nobody to be jealous of anymore.  She has moved into Cleos spot at the foot of my bed and expects to be petted the minute that she realizes that I am awake.  Some nights she reverts to her old habits and sleeps downstairs (where she had to sleep in Cleo days) and I find I don't like waking up without her. 

The backyard kitties continue to come around, the task of trapping and fixing them will carry on. The warm weather will hopefully inspire me to go running more that I have been the past couple of weeks, The backyard has begun to beckon, there will be beers and feets planted in cool green grass after the aforementioned runs.  Summer festival season is about to begin, so there will be things to write about that don't come with tears and heartache.

First day in my new world

Last night carried into the early morning.....I held my Bunny and cried and cried and cried until the tissues were used up, my chest was sore from gasping, and my eyes felt raw....even then I did not want to go to bed...but I had to go upstairs to get another box of tissue, and I had fur growing on my teeth. Bed was just down the hall and it called me at 4am.

I woke at 8 and laid in bed.  Sooty realised I was awake and wanted to be petted....usually she gets a quick tickle under the chin but today i was in no hurry to face the day.

I called the Animal Hospital to make arrangements for Stus remains.  As much as I adored Stu I have no desire to have his ashes, so everything was straightforward....but tearful.  Dr Munn and his staff have been taking care of Stu since I adopted him and (rightfully) considered his advanced years in a small way a testament to their care.  Dr .Munn has been ill this week but the girls came out to offer their condolences and to say goodbye to Stu. 

I carried on my day wearing dark glasses, and running errands.  When i found myself feeling a bit peckish I thought to head to St. Lawerence Market , because while I was there I could check the vegetable vendors for carrot tops for Stu...then remembered I didn't have to get carrot tops anymore....weird. Then again I had to drive by the Chinese Grocery store and I thought to pop in and get some of that really good BokChoy that Stu really likes....again I realized that I didn't have to get BokChoy anymore.  I need to paint my hall (from the mess the electrician has made replacing the wiring) so I spent a good part of the afternoon running from Rona to Lowes to Home Depot trying to match the existing paint color.....I thought to myself "I gotta get home and give Stus his meds". On the way home I realized that I had forgone breakfast and stopped for an all day Breakfast, spilled coffee on my shorts, duh, came home and immediately put them in a tub to soak.....with my Iphone still in the pocket....arrrrrrhhhh. My pictures of STU are on that phone.  Tomorrow I will see if the "genius"   can fix the phone....
walk past the Lazyboy, bend to seek my bunny and give him a snuggle...then remember that he is not there.
Because today was a beautiful sunny day I opted to tend to the flower beds instead of painting...hummm a dandelion, gotta keep that for Stu....not.  I have this big container that I planted parsley, for Stu....and a million times I walk by that Lazyboy and want to stop give Stu a little snuggle and kiss.
The world that I live in today is different in a hundred little ways from the world I lived in with a bunny in my life.....
Its gonna take some getting used to.

How to quench my tears?

I knew this day would come, everybody who has commented to me "Wow 10 years" "Wow 11 years" and "Wow 12 years" knew that this day would come.  I thought when this day came that I would be more accepting of the circle of life

I adopted Stu January 3, 2009.  He was the same age as Lily 10, I thought (rightly so) that they would make a beautiful bond. Tonight just after 9pm he left me for the rainbow bridge. 

I think, perhaps, if I relay this sad news, that while I type I will not cry....well I will not cry so hard.

This past week Stu was on what I have come to accept as "another hunger strike".  Stu will not eat for a day, I will freak out, make an appointment with Dr. Munn and then he will start eating again.  But truth be told each of these incidents have left him a little bit more drained.  Tuesday we went to the vet, got the usual diagnosis of GI stasis.  We were sent home with Critical Care until he started eating again, I already had Baytril for infection, and Metcam for pain, but got some Cicapride to get the GI tract moving. 

After a couple of rounds with Critical Care he gave in and started eating again. On Wednesday he ate almost all of his greens and more hay than he had in a long time.  There was still room for improvement but I was confident that he was on the mend. On Thursday I took him into the backyard.  Binky days were behind him but he was still pretty impressed with the fresh green grass.  This morning he seemed to be failing again, I gave him his meds and left for work.  At lunch time I came home to give him more meds and a belly rub.  He had not moved from where I had left him..and he was grinding his teeth, something that he has never done. It broke my heart to know that my bunny was in pain. 

I called the Animal Hospital and asked if I could get some additional pain meds...I asked for Tremadol cuz I had heard of other buns having it prescribed for pain.

I picked up the new meds after work and headed home and filled a syringe with Critical Care, another with water (laced with cranberry juice) Metcam, Tremadol, Cicipride, Baytril, and Ovol, determined to make my boy better.  He was so lethargic that he did not even struggle against the syringe, but he was too tired to swallow.  Many belly rubs finally got the first syringe of metcam fed.

I was realizing that he was reaching his end, and tried to get him to take the Tremadol.  I could inject it to his mouth but not make him swallow.  I knew that there was no way the line up of syringes were going to be used.  I just wanted him to take his pain meds and make him as comfortable as possible.

And so I stroked him and gave him kisses and let him know how loved he was, knowing that he was slipping away.  Instead of begging for Tremadol, I should have asked to send him to a painless sleep.

My head hurts, my chest hurts, my eyes hurt, and my nose is raw from crying.  I thought I was prepared for this enviable day but I was wrong, I am truly not ready for life without Stu.

Update on Project TNR

Today was a big day for the neighborhood kitties.  There was an doctors appointment made for them at the Toronto Humane Society to get them fixed. 

The problem with this appointment is that at this time yesterday all of the kitties were roaming the streets.  With the exception of Georgie  (who is mamma cat again to at least two kittens) I have not named any of the cats.  They are all grey and white to varying degrees and to be honest most of them look the same to me.

Pregnant Georgie refusing to be trapped.

I cant be sure how many there are to catch,  I think there are three "kittens" that are about 9 months old, Georgie and a sibling of hers and now the real kittens.

Between my next door neighbor and me, we have two carriers and 1 trap and 5 cats that have learned to distrust the trap. With optimism in our hearts we took in our food bowls to prepare kitties for surgery and set the cat trap, laced with a sardine and catnip....low and behold starving kitties showed up.  Snap went the trap

See what I mean, this kitty looks alot like Georgie.

Up the stairs I go with my cat trap,  I released kitty and reset the trap.  For the next three hours keeping watch while the three remaining kitties circle the trap, stiff the catnip, and continue to sniff.  After a couple of hours they are checking out the carrier too.  I gingerly leave my post behind closed door and throw a few bits of kibble to the back of the carrier and alas Kittie dives in after them, trying to slam the door shut was unsuccessful but I was able to grab hole and none to kindly throw kitty into the carrier....and take Kittie with carrier to join its sibling.  Third Kittie takes off like a bat out of hell and I did not see again for the rest of the night. 

This one is referred to as the white one because its more white than gray

This morning at what seems like the crack of dawn, the phone rings telling me it is time to take the kitties to meet their fate AND that she had caught Kittie in the trap before calling it a night.  Stupid me let kitties out of carrier hoping they would comport one another before going to bed and now have to get them back in the carriers...and we get a call saying that we are late for our appointment.  Me and two kitties in a tiny bedroom reenact bloody war scene from Saving Private Ryan.  Then end up in the carriers and I hurry them downstairs where the third cat in the carrier are waiting in the backseat. Towel wrapped around by bloody hand we head down to the Humane Society to check the kitties in for their day surgery.

While neighbor is filling out the paperwork I tend to my wounds, my hand is swollen and the bites feel like they have stopped at the bone.  I call my Dr. Office/walk in clinic to check when I had my last tetanus shot and they tell me they don't have one on file.  Hummm I look down and decide it is probably time to update that status.

My neighbor has been scratched too so she comes with me to the walk in clinic, where there is a 11/2 hour wait to see the Dr. Once I'm in and my file is opened I am reminded that 20ish years ago when I had my last shot I had a reaction (a rash) so I was going to have to wait in the waiting room full of sick people for 1/2 hour before I could leave.

Now afternoon I gotta stop for a coffee and a bagel. get home feed Sooty and Stu and settle in for a nap.  I have barely fallen asleep when the phone is ringing that the Kitties are ready for pickup.

Then I have to head to the drugstore for antibiotics, Yippiee.

I'm tired and weary, sore hand, bruised shoulder where the tetanus shot was given, but feeling very satisfied to have three female cats locked up and recovering upstairs, off the streets for the next 10 days, until they are released to the next chapter of their lives.



One of my Favorite Twitter Families

There once was a fellow called Pooh

Who Twitter with all its charms, could not woo
It was Moose and Buddy
That he wanted to cuddle
So he asked that they ignore twitter too.

A great cuddler was our hero Pooh
So what were Moose and Buddy to do

They said goodnight to their friends

Promised to tweet again
When the quality fam time was thru.

Project TNR is in effect.

This kitten did not stay with us till winter.
But the other three have survived as feral cats.

Our feral cats are all grey and white, I have a hard time differentiate some of them.




My next door neighbor has registered our cats as a feral colony.  She has completed the training session and is now eligible to Trap, Neuter, and Release the members of the colony.  Our secret desire is that once the cats spend time indoors (post trap and post Neuter) they will come to appreciate the indoor life and become adoptable.  But if rehab does not work at least we know that their life on the streets will be fated to only the current generation.Unfortunately the mission has been escalated by the big belly of one of our kitties.  She is going to have to receive a procedure before there are more kitties. 

The trap arrived...we set it up on my front porch step.  Laced with Tuna and Catnip the whole colony showed up.  A couple of them are friendly enough with my neighbor that she can pet them but they will not let me touch them.  Being as my presence was keeping them at arms length I went inside, keeping an eye on the trap.  We didn't want to trap one of the other cats and have them develop a fear of the trap.  Their spaying/neuter appointments are not for a couple more weeks.  But as fate would have it these were the ones who were checking out the trap and trying to figure it out,  Ms. Preggo was nowhere in sight  We decided to move the trap to my backyard Ms Preggo  frequent that area more often than the others.

At around 10PM I looked out the back door, the reflection in the glass made it hard to be sure but I thought Ms Preggo was in the trap, I opened the back door and Ms. Preggo bolted out of the trap.  I'm not sure if she does not weigh enough to set of the spring or if she had not been all the way inside. 

I went back inside and at about 1AM as I was about to go to bed I checked the trap for the last time before taking it in (we don't want to leave a cat trapped overnight).  The trap had worked, hissing and spitting was a big grey and white cat.  This handsome fellow I am pretty sure belongs to a neighbor.  Although he has not collar he is a well groomed longhair which is unlikely to be a feral...and for sure not Ms Preggo.  So I released him.

The next night was pouring rain, I had not witnessed any visits to the trap all evening, before going to bed I took the trap in and returned it to my neighbor in the morning.  It was then that we noticed that the Tuna was gone....she thinks a squirrel ate the tuna, I am having concerns about this trap.  We will keep on trying.

I hope my tiny winy little wish to see a litter of wobbly baby kittens has not been picked up by the gods and acted upon.