How to quench my tears?

I knew this day would come, everybody who has commented to me "Wow 10 years" "Wow 11 years" and "Wow 12 years" knew that this day would come.  I thought when this day came that I would be more accepting of the circle of life

I adopted Stu January 3, 2009.  He was the same age as Lily 10, I thought (rightly so) that they would make a beautiful bond. Tonight just after 9pm he left me for the rainbow bridge. 

I think, perhaps, if I relay this sad news, that while I type I will not cry....well I will not cry so hard.

This past week Stu was on what I have come to accept as "another hunger strike".  Stu will not eat for a day, I will freak out, make an appointment with Dr. Munn and then he will start eating again.  But truth be told each of these incidents have left him a little bit more drained.  Tuesday we went to the vet, got the usual diagnosis of GI stasis.  We were sent home with Critical Care until he started eating again, I already had Baytril for infection, and Metcam for pain, but got some Cicapride to get the GI tract moving. 

After a couple of rounds with Critical Care he gave in and started eating again. On Wednesday he ate almost all of his greens and more hay than he had in a long time.  There was still room for improvement but I was confident that he was on the mend. On Thursday I took him into the backyard.  Binky days were behind him but he was still pretty impressed with the fresh green grass.  This morning he seemed to be failing again, I gave him his meds and left for work.  At lunch time I came home to give him more meds and a belly rub.  He had not moved from where I had left him..and he was grinding his teeth, something that he has never done. It broke my heart to know that my bunny was in pain. 

I called the Animal Hospital and asked if I could get some additional pain meds...I asked for Tremadol cuz I had heard of other buns having it prescribed for pain.

I picked up the new meds after work and headed home and filled a syringe with Critical Care, another with water (laced with cranberry juice) Metcam, Tremadol, Cicipride, Baytril, and Ovol, determined to make my boy better.  He was so lethargic that he did not even struggle against the syringe, but he was too tired to swallow.  Many belly rubs finally got the first syringe of metcam fed.

I was realizing that he was reaching his end, and tried to get him to take the Tremadol.  I could inject it to his mouth but not make him swallow.  I knew that there was no way the line up of syringes were going to be used.  I just wanted him to take his pain meds and make him as comfortable as possible.

And so I stroked him and gave him kisses and let him know how loved he was, knowing that he was slipping away.  Instead of begging for Tremadol, I should have asked to send him to a painless sleep.

My head hurts, my chest hurts, my eyes hurt, and my nose is raw from crying.  I thought I was prepared for this enviable day but I was wrong, I am truly not ready for life without Stu.